by Jeannie Blaustein,
PhD., D. Ministry, Founding Board Chair, Reimagine End of Life
[NOTE: NYC faith leaders are invited to Reimagine End of Life’s “Conversation Sabbath” October 26-28, in partnership with The Conversation Project and What Matters: Caring Conversations about End of Life, where clergy across New York City’s five boroughs will preach or teach on the vital importance of having values-based conversations with loved ones about our wishes for care at the end of life. Learn more about Conversation Sabbath here and fill out this form to become involved.]
I came to my role as founding board chair of an organization dedicated to promoting the discussion of death and loss with a personal story that began at my birth.
As the “miracle baby” born after a series of traumatic miscarriages including a stillbirth, it was for personal reasons that I chose to attend Temple Emanu-El’s panel on miscarriage and neonatal loss in San Francisco last spring. As a psychologist and pastoral counselor, I know that unmetabolized grief is an intergenerational phenomenon. My own relationship with life and death has been profoundly shaped by my mother’s isolation and inability to grieve these losses. I thought this program might be an opportunity to process some of that intergenerational trauma.
As we went around the room, all but one of us in the circle shared our names and stories of loss and heartbreak. The woman who waved the moderator away was unable to speak, overwhelmed by her grief. Some in the room were members of the Temple Emanu-El community, but all were there as participants in Reimagine End of Life, a week of events asking big questions about life and death, held this past April in San Francisco. Reimagine is coming to New York City October 27-November 3, 2018.
This particular panel — just one of 175 programs that took place across San Francisco during Reimagine’s multi-disciplinary event series — included Emanuel-El’s Rabbi Sydney Mintz, a grief counselor and two parents, each of whom had lost a child or miscarried and who had transformed their grief into social action and art. After the panel had concluded, the woman who’d been unable to speak earlier raised her hand. Tenderly, tentatively, she shared her name and her story, a heartbreaking tale of multiple miscarriages. And in return? She received heartfelt recognition, hugs, phone numbers. She was suddenly in community.
Like my mother who suffered in silence in the 1950s, the bereft woman in our circle had been isolated and alone in her grief. More than 60 years after my mom’s losses, we still live in a culture that avoids talking about the trauma of neonatal loss, in particular, and about death in general, despite the fact that roughly 7,500 Americans die every single day.
Our collective aversion to talking about death, grief and loss has created a generation or two largely illiterate when it comes to thinking about these issues and preparing for end of life. Consequently, too many families continue to struggle over difficult medical choices that have never been discussed with their loved ones until it is simply too late to know the patient’s wishes. When we do encounter death, we are often left to do so without the tools, resources, and emotional preparation it requires.
Reimagine End of Life seeks to broaden the conversation in this country around death and dying, thereby improving the quality of the end of life experience for all. To date, Reimagine has hosted two weeklong events in San Francisco engaging multiple disciplines – healthcare, the arts, technology and spirituality. This brief video highlights what Reimagine is all about and gives a taste of how the Reimagine experience builds community and opens hearts while moving the needle closer to a culture less aversive to engaging with death and dying.
What sets Reimagine End of Life apart from other convenings on these topics is that it is community driven. While Reimagine helps to catalyze community partners, it is largely the local partners themselves who create engaging programs popcorn-style across a city that build community, spark conversations, normalize grief, and encourage action steps that help individuals better prepare for their own end of life care. The result is a powerful connective experience that unites us in our shared humanity and a collective appreciation for the preciousness of our lives.
Faith communities, in particular, are among Reimagine’s most valued partners. Understanding about end of life care is often influenced by guidance from our spiritual and faith traditions. Natural sources of support around funerals and other rituals after a death has occurred, faith communities also serve as the source of comfort, ritual and guidance when death is imminent and difficult decisions need to be made.
Uniquely situated not only to support people through dark times, faith communities also cultivate members’ ability to face the inevitability of death in advance of a crisis and understand that by sharing with loved ones what we want for our own end of life care, we are giving our loved ones a tremendous gift of clarity. This can significantly reduce family stress and guilt when tough choices need to be made. As trusted communal leaders and personal guides, clergy can encourage congregants to engage in the critical task of creating an advance care plan and sharing that plan with loved ones, in conversation and by writing up an Advance Directive, a legal document that names a health care proxy and outlines one’s wishes for medical choices should one be unable to speak for oneself. In supporting members in these ways, spiritual communities can help foster resilience, hope and connection, even in the face of illness, death and despair.
Reimagine End of Life NYC will in fact begin with a Conversation Sabbath, October 26 – October 28, 2018 where clergy throughout New York City are invited to preach, teach and engage about the vital importance of having values-centered conversations with our loved ones about what is most important when it comes to care at the end of life so that our wishes are honored and our passage smooth. Please join us!
We hope a city-wide discussion across faiths will encourage deeper engagement with, and sharing of, each tradition’s wisdom in this landscape and inspire congregants to continue the discussion with friends and loved ones. Being a part of Reimagine week is an opportunity to connect with a broad community and ensure that each faith’s values and teachings are included in a wide range of thought provoking programming. It will make a difference in how everyone’s unique wishes for end of life care are expressed and respected. Please sign up here to let us know how you’d like to participate.
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Dr. Jeannie Blaustein is the founding board chair of Reimagine End of Life. Jeannie is a licensed clinical psychologist and holds a Doctor of Ministry degree in pastoral care and counseling from Hebrew Union College – Jewish Institute of Religion.
Jeannie has spent her professional career as a therapist, pastoral counselor, and community leader supporting people in the work of having difficult conversations about love, loss, and conflict. Over the last 15 years, Jeannie’s work has gravitated toward the field of end of life, and in particular, the work of advanced care planning, perhaps the most difficult conversation we must each have with our loved ones, yet by far one of the most important.
Jeannie has served as a hospice volunteer and trained to become a doula to accompany the dying. Jeannie serves on the Steering Committee of “What Matters: Caring Conversations About End of Life”, a faith-based initiative of the Jewish community in NYC initiated through a partnership with the nationally recognized Advance Care Planning program ‘Respecting Choices’. Jeannie is a certified Respecting Choices™ Facilitator and Instructor, and provides ongoing supervision and education to the cadre of What Matters facilitators. She is pursuing Clinical Pastoral Education at the Jewish Theological Seminary, and served as a chaplaincy intern on the Geriatric and Palliative Care service at Mt. Sinai hospital in NYC.
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